Having "THE TALK" with my 7 year old

There are just some things in life you wish to avoid. I, on the other hand, have been waiting for moments like this.

Being a father, and not having the father figure in my life that I always wanted and like the one I am trying to be (which is not a cut to my step father but still a bitter signal to my biological one). My stepfather tried only how he knew how. Coming from long line of emotionally shut off fathers of past generations, still he provided for us, kept a roof over our heads and learned from his mistakes. I have learned that not everyone can be prepared to be a father if they have no life experiences to draw off of, nor does everyone with life experience have the fortitude to be a father. Being a "good" father is a matter of perspective. My step father, who will be referred to as my father from here on out, as he is the only one I ever really knew as a father figure and had day to day contact with since age 3, kept me out of trouble, in school and pushing to be a good man even to this day by being an example of a man who went to work everyday, did not lay his hands on my mother and brought home the bacon. For that I love him dearly for and find it so much more rewarding to come full circle from being the man and child we once were, to two men we are today.

We all know life is full of wonders and surprise. Growing as a young man into a man, were some trying and confusing times. My mother did her best to provide for me, but I am firmly convinced there are many stresses placed on single motherhood to raise a boy to a man. So if you see a single mother, let her know you feel her struggle and give her a hand or just applaud her. Mind you my father and I had a tedious, at best, relationship until I became a man. From that point on, the emotional walls fell and he is more open and forth giving then ever before. But before that point in time, there was a noticeable distance and lack of conversation between he and I. My mother did her best to fill in what a growing boy needs. I did not seek her advice on matters of the heart, life and love. But she did her best to contain my growing nature with her brand of tough love and humor.

When it came time for me to hit puberty and my tall and thin frame began to fill out, she knew the time was coming for "the talk" and she was none to happy about it. I think it first hit her when my uncle Jimmy came to visit once when we lived in Hampton. Jimmy was away most times from the maternal side of my family due mostly to his military career taking him to Japan and so forth. I idolized him since he was the least accessible one of my uncles and more mysterious. Not being close to my dad, I only had my uncles as male figures to hang out with. Well Jimmy came to visit and told a joke which I remember well. Somehow I seem to remember select times in my life for one reason or another but my mother says she does not remember this. The joke goes as follows:
man 1 (to man 2):"you know they you are what you eat..."
man 2 (to man 1):"I find that hard to believe."
man 1:"Why do you say that?"
man 2:"Because if it were true, i would be wearing high heels and stockings!"

Thinking I was too young to understand this joke, the family was surprised to see me chuckle politely under my breath. Now at the age of 11 or 12, I don't recall how or where I learned of the act of cunnilingus and had certainly never tried it at that point. Still remember my mother gasping at the sight of me trying to stifle a laughter since i could not exit the room fast enough or get far enough away to laugh as loud as I wanted to laugh. Right then and there, a light bulb went off in my mother's head. It was time for THE BOOK.

My mother came into my room one day an put this large green paperback in my hands and told me to read it. As quickly as she walked into the room, she had exited. I was face to face with this 200+ paged 500lb gorilla full of diagrams and artfully drawn pictures. It was called "The Child's Body". She had also gotten the"The Woman's Body" and "The Man's Body" books also. Maybe it was to make for light reading for my parents or for me to explore deeper in this wonderful world of puberty once I finished my book. I found it exhilarating that I no longer had to sneak into my father's closet to read penthouse forum for my sex education. OK, maybe that is how I had become well versed in the ideas of oral sex, as well as other aspects of sexual intercourse, to be able to understand the jokes of my raunchy youngest uncle. Still reading the book seemed a bit cold to me since my mother and I had a daily and very interactive dialogue most days and I was not at the age of hiding my upcoming teenage antics from her as of yet. Still i could tell she was horrified in that her little boy, her first born, was growing from a child into a teen and eventually a man. Her own mortality came to bear as she realized she was not the young fresh eyed Carolina girl anymore and despite all attempts, those premature grey hairs were real and not some magical sprouting of blond hairs!

I remember learning the technical names of parts of the sexual anatomy, which were unfamiliar to me as I knew them, by what I call, the playground names. Yes I was way past being curious at this age and had began my quest to research this funny feeling I got around girls in the flesh. I was way past my time having learned any slang way of talking about sex via the Penthouse Forum. Mind you this was the 80´s, Price was singing about pretending to be married so they could do it all night and a girl named Darling Nikki and all the wonderful things she did with a magazine. I remember my heart pounding as I heard the complete version of Lady Cab Driver on the radio one day in 1983 (if you never heard it then it is quite the spectacle for an 11 year old!). So you can say it was perfect timing for a young boy who was exploding (no pun intended) with curiosity.

So why did this all come up with my son? Here in Spain, after many extra curricular sports activities, the kids have facilities to take showers. From as young as most can remember, the concept of gang showers are normal. I remember being afraid of entering the 7th grade at Eaton Middle school knowing it was full frontal assault. No longer were we kids, but we were experiencing the sight of other boys. I mean I knew what I had, just did not realize what I had came in many shapes and sizes. Also what had came in natural and trimmed, so to speak. If you still don't get it, circumcised or not. I remember my mother pushing pamphlets in my face about being circumcised or not before I was faced with possibly being ridiculed or teased at shower time thus affecting me in the long run. I don't remember if I was already nervous or if the constant Watchtower like pamphlets my mother was pushing on me due to her fear of facing the fact I was hitting puberty head on. Still I had no human contact to help me understand how society would see me as obviously not being Jewish.

I know there is much debate over this issue and it is not my place to get in what is best, but at birth it is the choice of the parents for their little boys. And when I found out I was to become a father of a boy, I had a few months to internally work thru those debate points. If you are reading this, you know I don't pull punches, but I, being uncircumcised at that point in my life, did not want to inflict the same discomforts in my life. some men live their whol loves uncut but I had thought it was best to take care of this decision at birth. I remember all the anxiety I had over being "different" than most American boys and seeing it in the shower (but not being teased about it since I could unsheathe my sword and the other boys and future girlfriends were none the wiser). Still I wanted to prevent some of the embarrasment for my son, dpesite there being no reason for anxiety but try telling that to a 7 year old who is afraid of the dark.

So I have been coaching here 2 years after coaching 11 years in America. In America we did not have access to showers after games like we do here but then again I have always coached girl teams so I would not have the access that I do have now, nor would I necessarily want it. but the boys are pretty open and seemingly unashamed. So I seem to walk in the dressing room and the boys are proudly walking about in the small space naked and unafraid. It is not rare I can find a boy on my team in stages of undress since they walk around shamelessly in the locker room. To my surprise, most of the boys are uncircumcised. Mind you, in this small town, the boys have spent all of their lives playing together and going to school. I am sure they literally grew up seeing one another in a shower or two so at age 17, most of them were comfortable and well aware of each other.

So one day after a game, my son exited without even changing from his soccer clothes, gym bag in tow. I asked him if he took a shower and he looked down in a shameful way. something was bothering him but he was not up for discussing it in open air, even in English. Carme told me this was the 4th straight time recently he has skipped the shower counting last week's away game where he changed his clothes and was still the last one out of the dressing room, and the 2 nights after practice. So later that day we got home and I did my face to face, heart to heart to get to the bottom of it.

From what i can gather, he is a bit embarrassed taking a shower with the other boys. being that he circumcised and the other boys are not. He never fully confirmed, but fatherly ituition let me figure it all out. So we sat and talked about boys, how they are different and how they are the same. He relaxed and found humor in the whole discussion about his penis. i would have never imagined that his being circumcised would be an issue where I was trying to forsee that anxiety and have him "timmed". but then I had no idea i would be raising him in this european society. Where i had to do some research and confidence building to defend for myself when I was becoming sexually active and again, based on pamphlet readings. I wonder when my son comes of age and starts to explore on his own will he have the reverse situation, explaining what a circumcision is and wonder how his girlfriend, who is weired out by his aerodynamic status is so freaked out if she swears on being a virgin. how many penises has she seen to compare to his or deem his to be odd.

Maybe I am over thinking this but still, I am a father. And there are no classes to prepare you for this situation. Still havin a daughter, I am sure there are situations I would have to face but hopefulky my wife would not be so squeemish in handling these areas. Still I chuckle to myself as I avoided taking a shower after an adult game I played the first year I was here. Even though I had a 2 minute drive to my apartment, those shameful feelings of gang showers of the 7th grade came over me and I realize, I have no room to talk. But that is partly what being a father to a young boy is about. To help him thru life, right? o as i say, not as i foolishly did is my motto.