Sex education for a 6 year old

The other day, Alex and I were sharing some quality time in front of the TV. To most, I am sure this is not the ideal quality time to be shared between a father and a son, but we had just settled into the house on a cold and rainy day after sharing lunch with his grandparents. For most who do not know, the lunch time meal, especially on a Sunday, is a heavier meal than the others and we were unable to move too much. So sitting in front of the TV to watch a family styled movie was all the energy we could muster.

We were waiting for Carme to get warm and toasty with her pajamas and footsies and gather a blanket or two so we could recreate a homier version of a movie theater. While we waited we flipped a few channels and came across an interesting program on television. The program was about a real family who had an issue or two with the spoiled and assertive family pet. thank god it was not a Great Dane, this little dog, weighing maybe 3 lbs was just a terror. there were many behavior issues, fostered by the mother and daughter, and the father just allowed it to happen. But that was no the most interesting part.

The cut to a clip of the dog humping on a stuffed animal. this clip lasted what seemed like eternity, as Alex's gazing eyes and growing curiosity seemed to focus more intently on this display of sad affection. I cringed in my seat as he did no shy away and I heard new found gears churning away in his head. Now this is the same little boy who can't seem to look at a kissing scene in a movie, much less his own parents kissing in frequent public displays of affection.

Slowly, his head turned to me as his eyes would not leave the screen though his head tried desperately to turn my direction. My heart raced and mind searched for a possible answer to his upcoming possible child like mind's formation of a suitable question. I had no idea where he was going to go and what seemed like another eternity, his lips worked in unison with his mind and throat to squeak out one heart stopping question..."Dad...what is that dog doing?"

Time stopped.

I cleared my dry throat and tried to by time as my usual smart mouthed, quick witted and imaginative mind was blank. wished I was Hiro of the show "Heroes" where I could control time so I could afford the time to browse the internet or peruse the many fatherhood books I have shelved in my office for advice for answering this young mind. I remembered he is like a sponge and anything I say will be soaked up and remembered for most of his life, thus shaping the young man I was hoping to groom into a future gentleman. I took a deep breath and went on toe explain.

"Well Alex , you know when you touch your penis, it feels good sometimes...most times.."
"Uh huh...long pause...Dad, what's a penis?"
" Alex, a penis is the proper name for your "pee-pee"."
"Oh..."
"When you touch your penis, it feels good, well this dog has no ands like you or me so he has to rub his penis on objects...soft objects...so it will feel good to him."
"Oh...long pause...I get it"

Danger averted. The show did not show any more animal pornography while we waited for Carme. And he went on to the next shiny object in the room while waiting for his mother to join us.

The day ended without him asking more questions but I am sure he adventured below the belt line like I know I did when I was his age. Hey, I was an early starter...practice make perfect.

Fast forward to Monday. Alex had joined me in my shop as I worked after school. I was just about to take him to his soccer practice but trying to finish up a project for a customer of mine. I noticed out my store window, an old lady walked up with her two dogs and attached their leashes to the street lamp in front of the cafe she was aiming to go to and enjoy an afternoon coffee, like most in this country take time to do. The two dogs looked puzzled as their owner slowly walked away. Normally the dogs are somehow unaware of the leash restraining them from leaving their intended spot.

The seemingly lder and more mature of the two dogs was white with a few brown spots and weighed all of 15 pounds. The comparatively younger dog was black and resembled a poodle and about 8lbs. The white dog sat intensely looking out for the return of the owner, who was out of sight at this moment while the younger black dog stare at the white dog for what seemingly was direction in what to do now. But after sitting there in their frozen state for about a minute, the more than average wait time for a dog's attention span, the smaller black dog had other ideas. I mistakenly analyzed the intentions of the black dog. What happened next threw me into a tail spin...no pun intended. What I did not hear was the black dog trying to speak som sweet nothings into the ear of the other dog. With no response from the white dog, the black dog when into date rape mode and proceeded to mount the other.

Simple laws of chance versus success odd, the white dog was not having it. The white dog kept her rear end planted firmly on the cold and wet ground. I would assume it was more to his or her liking to have hemorrhoids than to be mounted by it's younger companion. Still I was unsure of the sex of either dog but I guess it is safe to assume the black one was male. The black one, doing only what hormones and nature had stained in his poor little canine mind, could not resist the cold shoulder of his white companion and just went for broke. Poor little thing could only muster enough leverage mount his muzzle on the shoulder of the other dog due to the leash being situated a certain way. You know how dogs like to tangle themselves in their leashes.

This sad attempt only reminded me of my younger years as I have tried to mount many before with only successfully losing more self dignity with my unpolished words and clumsy,nervous hands. Still I am a proponent to Darwin's ideas of survival of the fittest and was not about to go over and help the poor sap mate in anyway. All the while I waited for Alex to get bored with his shiny object and turn his head enough to catch a glimpse of the rerun from the day before but now in live action! I felt trapped as God was forcing my hand to make sure I had to deal with this with my son. Time was ticking away and the black dog was bound by duty to get that booty.

I thought there was a break in the action and I could get Alex out of the shop, past the hairy lovers and into the car like a rock star leaving his concert in a hurry, but alas I was wrong. I had just waited for the most opportune time to mention to Alex it was time to go. So as I mentioned this, Alex sprung to his feet and whirled on his coat and grabbed his bag containing all of this soccer equipment. As he turned and turned thinking it would assist him in trying to put this bag which outweighs him by a good 5 lbs, his eyes caught the peculiar happening only 20 40 ft away from him. He slowly stopped what he was doing and cock his head to one side, almost trying to see if he was imagining what he thought he was seeing. His face became flush and his arms went limp. Mind numbness overcame the poor sap. In the background you could see my head drop to my hands and I shook it slowly side to side asking, "Why me?".

Still I was not to be held captive in my shop by one love sick puppy. It did become more comical as I noticed the white dog was now o all fours and convently dropping his hind legs to sit as soon as the black dog thought the white dog was "coming around". The white dog dig not bark, snip or act counter aggressively towards the feeble attempts of the black dog. Just took it in stride like this was a normal occurence. I had to push the low jawed Alex closer to the car, which they happened to be trying to blocking with their spectacular show. I waited for Alex to ask me what they were doing so I could reply in a cynical manner..."this is called marriage. where the male tries and the female denies." but I figured that would do WAY more harm than good despite my flash of comical brilliance.

Alex could not turn his eyes away from the sight. And for a 6 year old, I can understand why. Daddy is the same way except my vision is usually focused on a similar event downloaded from the internet and involves silicone and far less quality acting. As we made it in the car, Alex still fixed on the young canine couple trying to negotiate a peaceful settlement to this debacle, he confidently said to me, exhibiting his empathy and care for animals since he declared he did not want to eat animals anymore until he found out no more hot dogs and chicken nuggets ever in his life, "poor doggie...if only he had hands, he would not need the other dog." He is well on his way to marriage.

The end.