24 hours later...

So I marked today on my calendar. It was not a day I was looking forward to. but still it was a day that needed to come. No, it is not the end of the world, no test results coming back and no it is not some Spanish Holiday for tall good looking Black men. But it is kind of the end of the world and some testing will be in place.

Some time ago, for a good 6 years, I have hidden the fact that I smoked from my son. Not that he is stupid and cannot put two and two together, but in his then 6 year old mind, if he never saw me smoke, then daddy was not a smoker. Sure all the other parents smoked, even Aunt Natalia smoked, but not his daddy. I hid it by smoking after he went to bed, volunteering to go to the grocery store, only smoking when he was changing in the dressing rooms and not during games, and so forth. Times when he did not actually see me. sure Carme met me and I was a smoker but did not stop her from pushing to get me to quit once she said I do. I think she pushed even more so since we are not carrying any life insurance right now.

Until that fateful day, when all of the worlds hopes seemed to fall hard to the pavement, when my little boy, my pride and joy, my spitting image, my best buddy...saw me smoking on a cigarette. So many times before, he'd "almost" catch me so it was a matter of time. I am not one to spout of God's will or anything like that, but i took it as logic that the child who seems to live and breath time with his father, will have more and more opportunities to catch me as my nasty addition grew or kept it's steady hold on me.

I don't remember the day well at all. I do remember having to explain myself. I mean I am the daddy, but if I am doing something that I know is a bad example, something that is killing me and possibly losing day by day with this little man who loves me so much, if I can't love myself enough to drop that monkey that can't nearly love me as much as my son...well what kind of father can I truly be?

So after many conversations, many questions, I finally had to come up with a plan to approac my son's larger than life sad eyes. I knew with all the questions, tried his best to make sense of what made no sense. One by one the questions came. Day by day passed. Randomly he seemed to pick up where he left off 2 days before, sometimes repeating the same questions before. I am not really sure if he meant to see if I would change my answer or if he was making sense of such silliness.

How could I explain addiction to him. sure my addiction slowly rots me to the core. Leading me to shortened breath, diminished lung capacity and other chronic breathing conditions. I may have already done irreparable damage already. sure i could get it by a meteor in a random act but it is time to change my mentality and welcome that meteor.

So I set a date. Jan 31, 2009. I am not one to make new years resolutions, despite setting a date is still the same as doing it along with every other hopeful mind who seem to draw strength on knowing other poor souls are suffering for the sake of bettering themselves on that first day of the new year. And along with the the setting of the date, goes the age old joke about how long you can last on your quest. Sure it's easier to count from Jan 1 than, say, March 23rd, but still I am not that random, and there had to be the end of something in order to begin something else. so why not postpone it a month. Well originally I had made an open promise to myself and my family that I would quit in February, 6 months from the day i was claiming this miraculous feat. But Carme took it as no smoking in the month of February. So it only cut me short 28 days but such is life. I had to show some dedication so Jan 31 it was.

I have tried a few times before to quit. The first time was cold turkey. It was as pleasant as a root canal. well Actually a root canal was more appealing since eventually there was some end to the discomfort and pain. The most successive attempt was with this medication which I can't seem to remember it's name. Funny it was originally being tested as an antidepression medicine and the clinical tests all failed. They almost gave it a second run until they figured out people just gradually lost the will to smoke. Now that is quitting. Seems they go around trying to chemically alter the brain and push the wrong switch.

The poor thing about the medicine, is if you try it, then go back to smoking, the med doesn't seem to work again. So that option is out the window, and not much in the way of anti smoking research being funded, my options dwindled down to cold turkey. I always liked cold turkey. Turkey is a lean meat and pretty good as a cold cut. But quitting something cold turkey is like sucking a watermelon thru a straw. It is going to take some serious resolve and mental planning and fortitude.

So Saturday Jan 31st came and went. I still had a few cigs in my last pack. I forgot to smoke actually, not out of fear of running out. But it is a testimony to how much of a hold this does NOT have on me. see when i am active, hands are moving, things to keep my mind active, I do not crave smokes. But sure I did have my rituals. I never smoked first thing in the morning, had to at least shower, shave, and dress and get out o the house before a cig. I smoked when I drove in my car, esp to work in America, having 45 minutes of a drive. I smoke when I get restless, bored or sleepy and want to stay awake. I can take a 8 hour flight across the Atlantic and not worry a bit, but as soon as I land, I am thinking when is my next flight and where is the closest place to smoke. But to quit...that is a different beast all together.

So I might keep this up and keep you going on my progress. It may be better if I not think about it. Still, I might need to express myself and let it out.

24 hours down, rest of my life to go!