So I am not Black anymore...

I always say you are not who you think you are but what people think of you. If you are tall you don't know you are tall until short people decide to let you know every chance they get. If people are prejudice towards a group of people, they are going to treat them as if they would normally trat other members of that group. Growing up in the the south I had my fair reminders of some of the things my family went thru when I say America was going thru it's violent puberty years. Attending Jefferson David Middle school, passing Stonewall Jackson's monument on daily walks to classes, having my city divided over a monument on the same street as Stonewall Jackson of a man who beat the race barrier...sigh.

Having these experiences have shaped and molded me to be who am I. Coupled with the sentiments passed down from generation to generation within my family, having the outward influences from non Black America passed down from generation to generation, having the media and television shape my mind. where is this all going? well I have a mindset of who I am...in American Culture but in Spanish culture I got turned aroun a bit.

I have some advantages here in Tossa. Being that my wife grew up here and my inlaws are pretty well know by association. Being a coach on the soccer team and opening my own business gives me a bit of personal clout in this town that you cannot buy. So when i first got here, I was weary of racism. I was not sure how I would be received overall. sure the local Spaniard has seen many American movies and know who Denzel Washington is. But there is a lacking in the cultural history that just can't be taught in school. I am not sure what they teach in the schools here but it seems like they are more preoccupied with teach Catholic beliefs so where would they have time to teach racism in a society that was so closed off that i am sure they considered tourists to be foreign invaders of some sort. Still I am learning how this country is accepting me.

For the most part, the reception and my perception has been mixed. I admit my perception has been the more negative of the two. i blame this on having my 36 years of life experienced initially shaped in America to go on and applying to a new surrounding. But i think all in all, i have been received pretty well. still my language and communication skills are lacking in Spanish so therefore many people have only just physical language to get to know me. I seem to not draw stares or anything like that...but I know, maybe when my back is turned.

When I see a Black person, I go nuts. It's like those National Geographic where one tiger sees another and is alert to that tiger encroaching on their territory. Well I am not marking my scent to warn off other people of color...but I just long for a bit of my sub culture that I cannot get here. i don't think they have a copy of Friday (Ice Cube, Chris Tucker, etc) in the local video stores.

When I say a person of color I mean just that. We still come in all shade around the world. But I am much more apt to run into an African then I am an African American. But i do notice a bit of resistance to the Africans here in Spain. Like all around the world, there are instances where one poorer country seems to export their population on a much richer nation. The US has the immigration of many Mexicans and Latin Americans. Germany has an ever growing number of Turks. Spain, also, has an growing number of Africans and Moroccans coming to make a living here. I don't fit the ctegory of African to most Spaniard I talk to. By the time I can talk to them, they only see me as one of the few Americans who live here and the small amount who spend vacations here. they seem to know more about their French, Italian and English visitors and have general characterizations about each group. I m almost saddened i am not included in the African population. The Africans, at first, looked at me with some curiosity but when they see me eating a ham sandwich, they knew I was not Muslim.!

During soccer practice, we generally begin with what we call "rondo". basically this is keep away or monkey in the middle. We form a circle and depending on the number on the outside, dictates how many monkeys are in the middle chasing the ball down waiting and pouncing on opportunities to win the ball. The fellas on the outside do their best to trick and fool and sometimes make fools of the boys in the middle with fast footwork and trickery. The rules are simple...just don't be the one on the outside making a bad pass and getting their pass intercepted by someone in the middle running aimlessly...or seemingly running aimlessly if you pass the ball rapidly and well.

During these pre-warm ups, we tend to relax, laugh and have conversation. One such day, somehow we all got on the conversation of my color. No, I was not sick or sad...but what we normally refer to as race. Where in America, we are focused on race and nationality, I would say for me, I think we are more focused on race since America holds so many different types of people from many and multi ethnic backgrounds. Sure at one time in American history, you could tell the nationality and sometimes their religious views based on a last name. Where as today I get more job interviews with my name than if it were Rasheed Jenkins (my cousin better known as Ray Ray who is on his soon to be 3rd strike for food stamp violations...he learned how to use Photoshop).


So while having our conversations time during practice, not knowing how we got on the subject, there was a little conversation about how I was not Black. Still the word Black to them, seemingly is just a color in the crayola box or to loosely describe the African who are mush darker than I. Thy began to try to argue with me that I was not Black but still did not offer a better description. There was no referendum on what I was but they were sure I was not Black. Some locals have asked if both my parents were Black. I had to realize then what exactly they meant by asking that. To me, y parents are Black, by American standards. Barack Obama had a Black parent and a White parent and he has the looks of what would be considered Black in America and is being marketed as the first Black who could possibly win the presidency. Halle Berry is in the same boat and was the first black female to win an Oscar in a leading role. The list goes on.

Still the discussion moved away from that subject but i was left with that burning thought. How do people see me here. And how they treat me...is that a perception of what I am. it struck me to think they did no see me as what I was brought up to be all my life. Dealing with struggles inflicting a Black male in America where, statistically, we were more apt to be in jail than not, it's hard for me to accept where Ii am, metaphorically.
Should I feel shamefull for being accepted into the local society without prejudice while the Africans here, who come and work hard in low paying and mediocre jobs, stare at me in some sort of apprehension. I have met a few Africans and gotten to know them well enough to have casual conversations but only one to have an in depth conversation about how he feels treated, or mistreated, in this country. i am left perplexed and challenged even after a year.